Sunday, April 29, 2012

Birthmother Story

A Birthmother's Love

I placed my beautiful daughter Evelyn for adoption on Oct 31st 2008. She
was born Oct 28th 2008 @ 8:32am weighed 7lbs 1oz 20 inches long. She was
beautiful when she was delivered, she was perfect nothing wrong with her…. I
decided to place my daughter when I was 5 months pregnant after he
birthfather had left me…. Yes he wanted to be there but never moved here or
made the effort while I was pregnant…. I had a had decision to make, single
parent or place for adoption. I was 25 yrs old when I placed her in the
arms of her loving parents… This was not the easiest choice to make

For my daughter I wanted her to have so much more than I did. I wanted her
to have a father that would be there all the time for her, to have daddy
daughter dates and much more. I knew I couldn’t provide this for her.
Evelyn deserved so much more than I could give her, I knew with all my
heart that adoption was what would be best for my baby. I was so happy that
I was able to choose my daughters parents, it meant a lot to me to have an
open adoption, I needed to know that she was happy and loved. I needed to
be able to have a visit when I was having a hard time, to know the Adoptive
Parents cared about me as well as my baby. I also knew an open adoption
would ease that pain on my family as well…

She was my first baby, my mother’s first grandchild, my sisters first
niece…. They were all affected. I knew my decision would not only affect me
for the rest of my life but as well as those around me…

Yes, there was a moment after she was born that I DID change my mind. I thought, how can I do this? Will she understand? Will she love me? Will she hate me? Will she think I didn’t want her? How can I do this to my family? How will I ever overcome this decision? This all crossed my mind when my daughter was 2 days old. At that moment I was not going to place her with her family, that I had already chosen and TOLD she would be theirs, this was my mothers fear, I would change my mind and break their heart, a couple who have been waiting over 6 years to have a family of their own. I said a prayer that last night in the hospital. I called my caseworker the next morning and she did what I told her to remind me why I made this decision. I was being selfish, I wasn’t wanting to bear the days, hours, minutes of pain without my daughter in my arms. At that point I changed my mind, I was placing her with her family, she was theirs for all eternity.

When I met my baby’s parents for the first time I knew they would love her as much as I do. I knew they were perfect for her. When they came around there was a sense of peace and love. I knew they loved me and will love my baby. The day I placed my baby in their arms for the first time after I signed my rights, a sense of peace, comfort and love overwhelmed me. I will not lie this was not an easy decision for me but I thought of what my baby needed and her parents were everything and more. I have given my daughter wonderful gift, a gift of love, I also made a young families dreams come true. I am grateful for my baby’s parents and the love they show her, my family I love my daughter with all my heart and she will know I have always and will always love her.
The days after placement were the hardest... My Mom and my sister Laura left Saturday 11/1/2008  in the morning to head back to Cali, the birthfather left Sunday. Those days I felt i was caring for others and not myself, in those days I felt so alone, that no one cared about me and what I was going thru; I had just given birth, those contractions were horrible, unbearable (till i got meds), and I had just left the hospital with nothing to show for what I went thru, EMPTY HANDED, yes others around me were hurting, but what about me. Everyone was gone but one person who cared for me so much, Braden, he came over Sunday night and every day after that, never letting me be alone. I couldn’t sleep at night , the only time I would sleep was when Braden was there and I was so exhausted I would fall asleep on him, then he would have to go home and I was awake all night. I watch every single Gray's Anatomy season, every movie in the house, pretty much every movie at red box and blockbuster, that all I did at night was watch movies, well attempt to watch them. most nights I just lay in bed crying thinking of my baby girl, what she was doing, thinking right now she might be up eating and her mom is feeding her and rocking her back to sleep and singing to her. As I would fall asleep I would wake up thinking I heard her crying, searching for her in the dark, then remembering she isn’t there. I would break down sobbing, missing her to very much, wondering if the pain would ever go away. if she would ever think of me, know that I loved her, still love her. if she would want to see me when she was older, I have an open adoption but wasn’t sure where it would go as it was new to both the allens and i. they were cautious of my feelings as i was of theirs. We talked about what I had hoped for in the open adoption but I was sure if that’s what I really wanted. I would call my sister Laura and text her and my mom, but no one ever really understood the pain I was feeling, their loss was a different kind of loss than a mothers loss. I look at placing Evelyn as a loss, a hole in my heart, it was my decision yes, and yes just because I DECIDED this was the best thing for my daughter I have every right to experience this as a loss and heartbreak. Some people who didn’t understand expected me to just move on the next day, sorry it doesn’t work that way. Those next seconds, minutes, hours, days, months were very painful. I never thought I would be ok again be able to move on or be loved again. I didn’t think anyone would want me, a young divorced girl who had a baby out of wedlock and just placed her for adoption, i felt so broken, but there was Braden right there, I didn’t know it then that we would be married let alone date, but he says he did :) He was there every second every minute he wasn’t working he was with me, making sure I was never alone, he was there when I went to visit Evelyn and the Allens 2 days after placement and I was able to get to know the rest of the family better. HE has been there for every visit except a couple. The Allens love Braden and Evelyn just adores him, sometimes she will talk to him more than me :) i love it..

Eventually life got easier. each day got easier. I had a fellow birth mom tell me when I was close to delivery that it gets easier, she had placed her little girl 6 months prior when she told me this and I thought she was crazy, and there is no way it gets easier, but she was right .. for me right around 6 months old I found myself being able to cope and go about life with a better outlook. I was taking care of myself again, going to the gym, making myself look pretty and presentable again. I had been dating officially started dating braden a few months after placement( I had know him for almost a year at this point). I found myself wanting to adventure out of the house on dates with Braden, and just getting out of the house again. I was still hurting and Braden made sure to never leave me alone, he was a huge support to me after placement and I can't count how many times he held me as I cried and he was always there for me, but I KNEW I was never alone, family and friends were always there but my Heavenly Father was there too, he understood my pain I felt, my sorrows, he knew I would be okay and I was. This was my toughest trial I have ever endured in my life, and I am sure I will have more to come, not to this extent but trails in different ways.
I do still miss her, and has a small hole in my heart that will always be missing.Don't get me wrong I still have my days when I cry and feel like I am back at square one, but i am always reminded of the reason why I placed her with her parents. They were always meant to be her parents. I am at peace with my decision. I knew it then and still know it now, adoption was the best decision I could have made as a mother for my daughter, she deserves everything in the world and I gave that to her. I was able to help an amazing couple start their eternal family. Evelyn has a 2 parent home and Eternal family. She KNOWS who I am, she loves me. I will always miss her but this miss I feel is very different than it used to be. I love her so much and I look forward to our visits.

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