Birthmother Story

A Birthmother's Love

I placed my beautiful daughter Evelyn for adoption on Oct 31st 2008. She
was born Oct 28th 2008 @ 8:32am weighed 7lbs 1oz 20 inches long. She was
beautiful when she was delivered, she was perfect nothing wrong with her…. I
decided to place my daughter when I was 5 months pregnant after he
birthfather had left me…. Yes he wanted to be there but never moved here or
made the effort while I was pregnant…. I had a had decision to make, single
parent or place for adoption. I was 25 yrs old when I placed her in the
arms of her loving parents… This was not the easiest choice to make

For my daughter I wanted her to have so much more than I did. I wanted her
to have a father that would be there all the time for her, to have daddy
daughter dates and much more. I knew I couldn’t provide this for her.
Evelyn deserved so much more than I could give her, I knew with all my
heart that adoption was what would be best for my baby. I was so happy that
I was able to choose my daughters parents, it meant a lot to me to have an
open adoption, I needed to know that she was happy and loved. I needed to
be able to have a visit when I was having a hard time, to know the Adoptive
Parents cared about me as well as my baby. I also knew an open adoption
would ease that pain on my family as well…

She was my first baby, my mother’s first grandchild, my sisters first
niece…. They were all affected. I knew my decision would not only affect me
for the rest of my life but as well as those around me…

Yes, there was a moment after she was born that I DID change my mind. I thought, how can I do this? Will she understand? Will she love me? Will she hate me? Will she think I didn’t want her? How can I do this to my family? How will I ever overcome this decision? This all crossed my mind when my daughter was 2 days old. At that moment I was not going to place her with her family, that I had already chosen and TOLD she would be theirs, this was my mothers fear, I would change my mind and break their heart, a couple who have been waiting over 6 years to have a family of their own. I said a prayer that last night in the hospital. I called my caseworker the next morning and she did what I told her to remind me why I made this decision. I was being selfish, I wasn’t wanting to bear the days, hours, minutes of pain without my daughter in my arms. At that point I changed my mind, I was placing her with her family, she was theirs for all eternity.

When I met my baby’s parents for the first time I knew they would love her as much as I do. I knew they were perfect for her. When they came around there was a sense of peace and love. I knew they loved me and will love my baby. The day I placed my baby in their arms for the first time after I signed my rights, a sense of peace, comfort and love overwhelmed me. I will not lie this was not an easy decision for me but I thought of what my baby needed and her parents were everything and more. I have given my daughter wonderful gift, a gift of love, I also made a young families dreams come true. I am grateful for my baby’s parents and the love they show her, my family I love my daughter with all my heart and she will know I have always and will always love her.

 

The days after placement were the hardest... My Mom and my sister Laura left Saturday 11/1/2008  in the morning to head back to Cali, the birthfather left Sunday. Those days I felt i was caring for others and not myself, in those days I felt so alone, that no one cared about me and what I was going thru; I had just given birth, those contractions were horrible, unbearable (till i got meds), and I had just left the hospital with nothing to show for what I went thru, EMPTY HANDED, yes others around me were hurting, but what about me. Everyone was gone but one person who cared for me so much, Braden, he came over Sunday night and every day after that, never letting me be alone. I couldn’t sleep at night , the only time I would sleep was when Braden was there and I was so exhausted I would fall asleep on him, then he would have to go home and I was awake all night. I watch every single Gray's Anatomy season, every movie in the house, pretty much every movie at red box and blockbuster, that all I did at night was watch movies, well attempt to watch them. most nights I just lay in bed crying thinking of my baby girl, what she was doing, thinking right now she might be up eating and her mom is feeding her and rocking her back to sleep and singing to her. As I would fall asleep I would wake up thinking I heard her crying, searching for her in the dark, then remembering she isn’t there. I would break down sobbing, missing her to very much, wondering if the pain would ever go away. if she would ever think of me, know that I loved her, still love her. if she would want to see me when she was older, I have an open adoption but wasn’t sure where it would go as it was new to both the allens and i. they were cautious of my feelings as i was of theirs. We talked about what I had hoped for in the open adoption but I was sure if that’s what I really wanted. I would call my sister Laura and text her and my mom, but no one ever really understood the pain I was feeling, their loss was a different kind of loss than a mothers loss. I look at placing Evelyn as a loss, a hole in my heart, it was my decision yes, and yes just because I DECIDED this was the best thing for my daughter I have every right to experience this as a loss and heartbreak. Some people who didn’t understand expected me to just move on the next day, sorry it doesn’t work that way. Those next seconds, minutes, hours, days, months were very painful. I never thought I would be ok again be able to move on or be loved again. I didn’t think anyone would want me, a young divorced girl who had a baby out of wedlock and just placed her for adoption, i felt so broken, but there was Braden right there, I didn’t know it then that we would be married let alone date, but he says he did :) He was there every second every minute he wasn’t working he was with me, making sure I was never alone, he was there when I went to visit Evelyn and the Allens 2 days after placement and I was able to get to know the rest of the family better. HE has been there for every visit except a couple. The Allens love Braden and Evelyn just adores him, sometimes she will talk to him more than me :) i love it..

Eventually life got easier. each day got easier. I had a fellow birth mom tell me when I was close to delivery that it gets easier, she had placed her little girl 6 months prior when she told me this and I thought she was crazy, and there is no way it gets easier, but she was right .. for me right around 6 months old I found myself being able to cope and go about life with a better outlook. I was taking care of myself again, going to the gym, making myself look pretty and presentable again. I had been dating officially started dating braden a few months after placement( I had know him for almost a year at this point). I found myself wanting to adventure out of the house on dates with Braden, and just getting out of the house again. I was still hurting and Braden made sure to never leave me alone, he was a huge support to me after placement and I can't count how many times he held me as I cried and he was always there for me, but I KNEW I was never alone, family and friends were always there but my Heavenly Father was there too, he understood my pain I felt, my sorrows, he knew I would be okay and I was. This was my toughest trial I have ever endured in my life, and I am sure I will have more to come, not to this extent but trails in different ways.
I do still miss her, and has a small hole in my heart that will always be missing.Don't get me wrong I still have my days when I cry and feel like I am back at square one, but i am always reminded of the reason why I placed her with her parents. They were always meant to be her parents. I am at peace with my decision. I knew it then and still know it now, adoption was the best decision I could have made as a mother for my daughter, she deserves everything in the world and I gave that to her. I was able to help an amazing couple start their eternal family. Evelyn has a 2 parent home and Eternal family. She KNOWS who I am, she loves me. I will always miss her but this miss I feel is very different than it used to be. I love her so much and I look forward to our visits.

Second Chances

I placed my baby two weeks ago (I blog about it here). I have been trying to keep myself busy since the placement, so I painted my living room this week; it was hard work. While I painted, I listened to the radio. Usually I try not to listen to the lyrics of pop songs because they tend to be stupid, repetitive, inane, or offensive. But a line from one song stuck with me.

I don’t know any of the other words to the song or who sings it, so I can’t vouch for its quality or whether it’s the sort of song I ought to endorse. But the line I heard got me thinking about adoption. The last line of the chorus says, “Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.” As soon as I heard it, I thought of how things have changed – for both me and Ruby – since I placed her for adoption.

I was content to be a single mother for quite a long time compared to a lot of birth mothers. My baby was seven weeks old when I decided to place her, and nine weeks old when I signed away my rights as her mother. But I have no doubt that I made the right decision.

I can’t know for sure how our lives would have turned out had I not placed her, but I could imagine, and the future I had glimpses of wasn’t the happiest one or the best one – for either of us. How could I keep my baby when I knew that if I did she’d never have everything I wanted for her?

Goodbye was, for me and Ruby, a second chance. A second chance for her to have parents who are married, who will have her sealed to them, who will take her to church and love her and take the very best care of her. And it was a second chance for me to be the woman I want to become and live the life my Father in Heaven wants for me.

Saying goodbye to my baby was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But it was also the very best thing I have done – for me, and most importantly, for my precious baby. I am so thankful for the part that adoption plays in God’s plan for His children, and I am even more thankful for the Atonement that allows each of us as many second chances as we need.

This month marks one year of me getting pregnant.
Its so hard to look back at the months before that.
I was so sad, I was so lonely, I didn't know who I was or where I was headed.
Something that seemed like a disaster,
has somehow helped me find who I am.
In the last year so many things have changed.
So many lives have been touched.
From a crisis pregnancy.
Its a scary thought when I sit back and think about where I was headed,
If this Angel wasnt sent to me.
I automatically knew my choice the day I found out I was pregnant.
It wasnt even something I questioned.
I was scared to death.
People that dont know me so well want to think that maybe my family had influence in my choice.
No they didnt.
Who was I to say " You dont deserve what I had. Parents that planned for you. A family that has be anxiously waiting for you"
This month has been and probably will be one of the most changing for me.
My Angel turns 3 months old today.
Crazy how long ago that was, but just how tender the scars still are.
I am doing my first outreach to a high school of girls on 2/12.
I'm nervous, excited & anxious to be able to share my story with them and be a part of something amazing.
I am going for my very first visit to Josh & Lizzy.
Man I cant wait to hold that girl and tell her I love her from my own mouth.
To kiss her little face & remind her that I miss her every single breath that I take.
To breath in her beautiful baby smell because It feels like its been forever since i held her in my arms.
I thank my heavenly father every single day for sharing Mara with me.
For letting her come into my life.
She alone has saved me.

Birthmother Story~By Norma Villareal

I had always planned on keeping my son and raising him as a single mother. I was 31 with a job and a car. I did live with my mom but I could change that. I had purchased clothes, diapers, a bassinet and the other essential items you need for a baby and my dear friend was planning on giving me a baby shower after the baby was born. I had him on January 20th and brought him home on the 23rd. I loved getting up with him and telling him stories. I loved watching him sleep and playing with his head full of hair. Well on Sunday the 25th, it came to me that my baby Quinton was not meant to be mine but needed to be with another family who could raise him with a mother and father. This, as you can imagine, was very hard for me to digest.
I knew what I had to do and on Monday, Audra from LDS Social Services came to my house. I had looked at some couples on the website itsaboutlove.org and found a biracial couple that looked and felt right. (My son is half-black, quarter hispanic and a quarter white.) Audra called them and we met that night. We talked and after they left, I felt they weren't the ones to raise my baby. A few days went by and on Friday, Audra called and suggested I look at a couple named Steve and Angie. I went onto their profile and read about them and their family. I asked to meet them and at 7 that night they were at my door. They came in and I asked some questions and their answers were just what I wanted to hear. When I asked if they wanted to hold the baby, they both jumped to the edge of the couch with their arms wide open. I gave Quinton to Angie and she looked so sweet with him. After awhile, Angie gave him to Steve and that was a wonderful sight. This tall blonde white man holding this little brown dark haired baby was beautiful. He was so gentle with him. We wrapped the interview up and hugged each other and said our goodbyes. Audra called and said Angie's parents were in town and maybe we could meet them the next day, Saturday. I called Angie and we made a breakfast date for the next morning at 10. My mom, Quinton and I arrived a little after 10 and were greeted by Angie, Steve, her mom and dad, and her brother and sister-in-law and their 3 children. I felt the love this family had for each other the moment I stepped in. I asked Angie if she wanted to feed Quinton and she said yes. So we ate and she fed him and her mom asked if she could take pictures of him. We got to learn a lot about the family and their history. It was like we had known them forever! Angie gave me a tour of the house and I told her that I didn't want to leave. I just felt at home there. They gave me a wonderful book, For The Love of a Child: The Journey of Adoption, and each wrote a little note to me. As we got ready to leave, I felt that this was the family that my Quinton was supposed to be a part of. They loved him already and I was just there for a visit! As we left the whole family waved and watched as we drove away. My mom told me that she loved this family and I tols her that I loves them too and that this was his eternal family. We got about 2 miles down the road and decided to turn around and tell them the wonderful news!!! I felt like I was floating as we were driving. I told my mom that as soon as they see the car, they would know. We pulled up and I got to the door, nervous as I had ever been. Angie answered and told me we left the burp rag there. I asked if Steve wads around and she called him in. I got to tell them the most amazing news...
"You are his family".
The look on their faces and the tears in their eyes told me what I had just done for them. I loved this family and knew that they already had a love for my son. Her parents came out from the kitchen and we all hugged and cried and talked a little bit more. We decided to do the placement on Monday night at 6. They came out and hugged my mom before we left. On the way home I cried. More for the excitement that was to come than out of sadness. I also had to call and tell my sisters the great news. They were so happy for us and for Steve and Angie.
Monday came and we got ready to leave. My mom would be driving us to Quinton's new family and home. As we arrived, I started to get very nervous and I started to cry. My family and friends let me know that it was okay to cry and that they were there for me. When I walked into the house, a peace came over me. I knew that this little boy would grow up to be a wonderful man and a wonderful husband because these two people would teach him how to do just that. As I placed my son into Angie's arms, a peace and a reverence came over the whole house. For just that moment it was as if us 4 were the only ones there. My role as the mother was instantly transferred to Angie and for the rest of the night I was excited for the two of them and for my precious son.
Some people may say, "How could you give your child up?" or "Why did you give him to strangers to raise?" I say, "I didn't give him up, I gave him a loving family with a mother and father who are able to provide him with his needs and his wants." And "I didn't give him to strangers, I gave him to his parents." I am so happy for my son and for the life he will get to live from the hardest decision I have ever or will ever make. This tiny spirit has helped me get back to where I know I should be and has saved me from a life of misery. For that I am truly thankful.

Birthmother Stories

A Birth Mother's story - by Tamra Hyde
posted: Thursday, September 25, 2008

People often don't understand my choice. Many respond with pity on their faces as if to say, "You poor thing".
I tell them, "Don't feel sorry for me; I'm a lucky girl." This is the happiest story I know.Some will say, "Well, it's best that you placed your son for adoption, because you needed your education and to finish growing up," or things of that nature. And while it is true that I am blessed to pursue the educational and social prospects of my choosing in a way I would not have been able to with a child, and although I've been endlessly blessed by my choice, none of these facts constitute why I chose.
Of course I enjoy spending my time and money the way I want. Of course I feel blessed to date without the added complication of being a single parent. And of course I love the independent young adult experience and all I gain from it. I can tell you, though, without hesitation, that I would have given it all up to have my Justin's hand in mine. I would have sacrificed all that was mine....but I would not sacrifice what could be his.
There are those who say, "But Tamra, you could have made it work! You were 18, you had money enough, your boyfriend wanted to marry you! You're a good person and you loved your baby so much!"
I confess this was my thinking for the first several months of pregnancy. I was not one of "those girls;" I'd be a good mom.....but not the best. I was enough....he could have more. And I had had the "more:” two parents who'd prepared for me, who chose me, and most importantly, to whom I am sealed in a forever family.
How could I tell my son, "Not for you."? Even with all my bargaining and rationalizing, at the end of the day I could not, even at my best, make up the difference between me and the family he COULD have. No amount of overcompensation would have been sufficient.
Many will just ask, “How? How did you do it?" I still don't know. I didn't. I couldn't have. The choice I made defied my instinct as a woman, as a human being, even as a mammal. To give away a piece of myself, my very heart, flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone -- it seemed the very air from my lungs went with him. It was impossible....for me.
And then to survive! But more -- to fare as I never had, with a new peace that felt like breathing true oxygen for the first time! I thought that to make this choice would leave me broken for life; instead, I am mended. None of this was or could have been my doing. That sort of strength comes from a source beyond myself.
As I held my baby, my Justin, in the hospital room, where the veil between here and heaven became so thin, my doctor stood silent in the door for a moment, watching as I sang to my little treasure, as I stared, endeavoring to memorize his face. He saw the love in my eyes and said, "You won't go through with it.”
What he and many others don't understand is, it is BECAUSE I loved him that much, that I was able to do this impossible thing. Had I loved him an ounce less, I would never have let go. It was the only way I could break my own hear t and let him go home to those who were his -- and I know now that he was theirs before he was mine. THEY shared him with ME. They are an extension of my family in a way I cannot explain. When we met, I recognized them. I can't tell you from when or where; I don't know the conversations we had or the nature of our relationship, but I knew those faces! And immediately in my heart I felt family love for them. Never before or since have I experienced anything to approach it.
There are a thousand reasons why my choice has been right and perfect for all whose lives have been affected, but THE reason is.... I asked: "Father....what do I do?" Before I knew or understood any of the wisdom or logic of it, I knew the Lord's will for my baby and me, and I allowed my own will be swallowed up in it.
"Didn't you want your baby?"
More than I have ever wanted anything. He wasn't mine.He has been my missionary. I bless his family for being willing to wait while he fulfilled that mission. My heart has been mightily changed.We were both born that day.