Open Adoption

This was originally posted on my blog, The Happiest Sad, on November 1, 2010.

I was asked not long ago to explain what open adoption means to me.

I'm sure that the person who asked was hoping for a definition of sorts - what do I consider to be an open adoption? How would I classify their idea of it? What are the requirements that I personally have for an adoption to qualify as open?

Well, too bad, question asker, because this is my blog, and I am obstinate. When I read the question, although I was certain of the context, I couldn't answer it that way. When I read the question, answers came to my mind. They're probably not the answers that you (whoever you are) were looking for, but they're what I've got. I've got answers to the question that no one has asked but that needs to be asked.

What does open adoption mean to me?

Open adoption means that any time I want to, I can turn on my computer, open the right file and watch Roo take a few shaky steps, or watch her dance with her sister, wiggling her hips and squealing with glee.

Open adoption means if I want to know how she's doing, all I have to do is ask.

Open adoption means I know the baby I placed, the person I love most in the world, is a happy, healthy, clever, sweet, gorgeous toddler.

Open adoption means Roo will never wonder who her birth mother is, what I look like, what sort of person I am, and why I placed her. She will know.

Open adoption means I will never wonder who my baby is, what she looks like, and whether she has a good life. I will know.

Open adoption means I know, every single day, that I made the right choice for Roo, because open adoption brings peace and reassurance.

Open adoption means that when I grieve, I grieve for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I grieve out of love, not regret, out of sadness for myself, not for my baby.

Open adoption means that Roo is happy, and it means that Roo's mommy and daddy are happy, and it means that Roo's birth mom is happy. It's win-win-win. We all get to be happy. We all get to have peace and joy.

Open adoption means that if something needs to be said, it's said, and we make adjustments, and we're happy again, even happier than before.

Open adoption means that Roo is loved by more people than she will ever know. It means she gets to meet some of the ones who love her who are not her forever family, and that the rest of them that don't get to meet her still know who she is and that she is happy. Open adoption means an abundance of love for Roo and for all of her families.

Open adoption means that even though my heart broke, it's healed stronger than it was before. It means that I am a better, stronger person, for Roo and for her parents. It means I try every day to be someone they can be proud of.

Open adoption means I never have to wonder and I never have to worry. Open adoption is the happiest sad, and the happiest happy.

Open adoption means that placement wasn't goodbye; it was hello.

(And if you keep having the tagline "Love means never having to say your sorry" stuck in your head after reading this list, don't worry, I do too. And it's crap, because love means saying you're sorry whether you really are or not.)

Hooray for Birth Moms!

There is a great article in Newsweek about birth moms. Most of what you hear in the news about birth moms is negative. It's about time we got some love in the press! Click HERE for the link to read this well-written, thoughtful article.

This Saturday ...

The Invisible Woman

I don't know how long this one has been floating around the internet, but I just came across it today. I found it very inspiring. It's told from more of a mom perspective, but I think it applies just as well to birth moms. Pregnancy and birth and placement are just the foundations of the amazing people our children will become. We may never see the finished work, never know what heights are reached. But we are not invisible. God sees. God knows.

We Are Not Alone

The path of a birth mother is oftentimes a long and lonely one. So often since placement I have felt alone in the world, especially with few close friends and no place to go for unconditional love, understanding and support.

At these times, I have found comfort in the words of former Relief Society General President Sister Sheri L. Dew. The November 1998 Ensign contains one of my favorite of her talks, entitled "We Are Not Alone."

Here are some of my favorite parts:

"The pain of loneliness seems to be part of the mortal experience. But the Lord in His mercy has made it so that we need never deal with the challenges of mortality alone ... We have been promised the constant companionship of the third member of the Godhead and hence the privilege of receiving revelation for our own lives. We are not alone!

"The Holy Ghost enlarges our minds, our hearts, and our understanding; helps us subdue weaknesses and resist temptation; inspires humility and repentance; guides and protects us in miraculous ways; and gifts us with wisdom, divine encouragement, peace of mind, a desire to change, and the ability to differentiate between the philosophies of men and revealed truth. The Holy Ghost is the minister and messenger of the Father and the Son, and He testifies of both Their glorious, global reality and Their connection to us personally. Without the presence of the Spirit, it is impossible to comprehend our personal mission or to have the reassurance that our course is right. No mortal comfort can duplicate that of the Comforter."

What a comfort it is to know that no matter what may befall us, if we live worthy of it we can have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, to bring us peace help us feel God's love. And there is no earthly peace that can compare to the peace the Spirit brings us.

God loves us so much more than any of us can even begin to imagine. I am so thankful for that, and for the Comforter that allows me to know it.

Facebook Page

I think most of you probably already know, but in case you don't, I thought I'd mention that there is a Facebook page for the birth parent support group HERE. There's not a lot of activity on it yet, but it's a good way to keep up with things if you're as Facebook addicted as I am :o)

Blog Spotlight: The R House

If you've never heard of Mrs R and the R House, you are missing out. Mrs R is an adoptive mom of two and it is physically impossible to read through her blog without thinking adoption is the most amazing thing in the world. Her love and respect for birth mothers is humbling. I think she's probably done more to promote adoption on-line than anyone else out there.
She also has links to just about every adoption resource on the internet, for birth moms, adoptive parents, adopted children, and people who just want to know more about adoption. This month she's also featuring a blogroll of people (including yours truly) who took her National Adoption Month challenge to blog every day. I've spent hours reading those blogs and being both awed at how many miracles there are in adoption, and sad at how many wonderful couples there are who are unable to have children the usual way.
I think that's why it's so important to spread the good word about adoption to as many people as possible and make sure the whole world knows that it is an option for unplanned pregnancy, and it can be the most amazing thing in the world.
Kudos to Mrs R for taking it upon herself to change the world!

Blog Spotlight: United by Love

One thing I have discovered in the past few months is how many amazing adoption websites there are out there. I want to spotlight some of them this month, and since this blog here is primarily for birth mothers, I thought today I'd begin with United by Love.



United by Love is the birth mother branch of FSA, Families Supporting Adoption, an offshoot of LDS Family Services. The UbL blog has articles about adoption, links to birth mother blogs and other resources, and a regular "Ask a Birthmom" panel. Most recently it featured a guest blog by our very own Tamra, who wrote a great bit about adoption myths and misconceptions. If you haven't checked out United by Love, I recommend doing so. It will make you proud to be a birthmother!

November is ...

You can read more about it here, or just Google National Adoption Month.

In honor of NAM, and since no one else ever seems to update this blog, I am going to sort of take over for November. I'll be posting links to my favorite adoption websites and reviewing adoption books and that sort of thing. Adoption is an amazing thing, and I am so glad there is a whole month to celebrate it!

Second Chances

I placed my baby two weeks ago (I blog about it here). I have been trying to keep myself busy since the placement, so I painted my living room this week; it was hard work. While I painted, I listened to the radio. Usually I try not to listen to the lyrics of pop songs because they tend to be stupid, repetitive, inane, or offensive. But a line from one song stuck with me.

I don’t know any of the other words to the song or who sings it, so I can’t vouch for its quality or whether it’s the sort of song I ought to endorse. But the line I heard got me thinking about adoption. The last line of the chorus says, “Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.” As soon as I heard it, I thought of how things have changed – for both me and Ruby – since I placed her for adoption.

I was content to be a single mother for quite a long time compared to a lot of birth mothers. My baby was seven weeks old when I decided to place her, and nine weeks old when I signed away my rights as her mother. But I have no doubt that I made the right decision.

I can’t know for sure how our lives would have turned out had I not placed her, but I could imagine, and the future I had glimpses of wasn’t the happiest one or the best one – for either of us. How could I keep my baby when I knew that if I did she’d never have everything I wanted for her?

Goodbye was, for me and Ruby, a second chance. A second chance for her to have parents who are married, who will have her sealed to them, who will take her to church and love her and take the very best care of her. And it was a second chance for me to be the woman I want to become and live the life my Father in Heaven wants for me.

Saying goodbye to my baby was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But it was also the very best thing I have done – for me, and most importantly, for my precious baby. I am so thankful for the part that adoption plays in God’s plan for His children, and I am even more thankful for the Atonement that allows each of us as many second chances as we need.